AND IN THIS CORNER…

A knockdown, all-out brawl of an interview with Michael Mazzarella from The Rooks.

By Mark Erikson

Mazzarella, man…that guy. He makes me laugh in his interviews. I’ve read through all of them. He seems to delight in torturing those innocent people who show up with a list of questions and an aim to pick his brain a little. They end up looking small and I end up laughing. I was always a bit of a school bully when I was younger and Michael Mazzarella’s wise guy attitude kinda reminds me of how I used to be. Something about his vibe is bringing it all back. Hey man, I’m always the one who gets the last word in and he’s cutting in on my turf. THIS bully wanted to meet up with THAT punk after school and have it out…well almost. My fighting days are long over but there’s always room for a good verbal boxing match. I sat down with ‘the king of power pop’ — (my pet phrase for him) and we put the gloves on and drank (a lot of) beer. I’ve got my opinions and call ‘em as I see ‘em. He’s a creative dude and has an answer for every damned thing. I went into the ring looking for a fight. He sat in his corner and couldn’t care less. My apartment was now Madison Square Garden. I hope nothing gets broken…

ME) The Rooks stuff is kinda cool but I get the impression that for some reason you think you’re so much better than a lot of the bands making the same style of music.

MM) Oh…that’s a good start, huh? You should have told me. I would have dressed down for the occasion…brought my own noose. Where’s the beer I was told would be here?

ME) Hold on, man. You seem to be down on a lot of the music your peers make.

MM) I’m down on a lot of things. I’m down on humanity some days. I’m down on the front page of the paper, I’m down that we may be going to war, I’m down on me at times…but I’m up too…on most days.

ME) You’ve had a lot to say about the state of the power pop scene lately in your own slightly subtle way. Why do you look down on it now?

MM) I’m not down as much as I am bored. Listen to what’s happening out there, man. You have ears…and…one looks bigger than the other. You should have that checked out.

I swear, if we were in 8^th grade right now I would knock his block off!

MM) What am I supposed to do, hand out blue ribbons to everyone who strums a guitar and strings a few chords together? That’s everyone I know, practically! I’m not that impressed.

ME) You think your band is better than all the others?

MM) Well…our recordings…maybe…maybe not. Doesn’t every mother think her child is better than every other child? That’s human nature, man. I’m not responsible for anyone’s band or music. I look after my own band…my own family.

ME) But you DO think your band is better than all…

MM) Did you ever hear of a guy named Ted Williams? Looking at you, probably not. He played ball. When he walked down the street he wanted people to say "There goes the greatest hitter who ever lived." Well, I want to be Ted Williams. I want my band to be Ted Williams. I want my songs to be Ted Williams…with a little bit of Thurman Munson thrown in.

ME) What’s your best song? (He HATES questions like this).

MM) The one you dislike the most.

ME) Do you really struggle with chord changes and all of that like you claim to do because that seems so like something out of the ‘40s…or something? I bet a lot of today’s songwriters don’t have to toil like that…Irving Berlin style…torture. That old school thing. I know it sounds romantic to have everyone draw a picture in their minds of the lone writer slumped on his piano bench in search of the perfect chord.

MM) What’s old school about aspiring to do good work? Do you read books? You sound like someone who grew up in front of a television set.

ME) Sure, I read. I’m just a little cynical about this whole "artist" thing.

MM) Artist…thing? I’ll bet you played football too.

ME) I did. Why?

MM) Because baseball is a game for the thinking man. It’s strategic and noetic. You look like you took a few high hits above the shoulders (in cynical tone) in the great game of…football.

ME) Baseball’s boring, man. Too slow.

MM) Now you know how I feel.

ME) Back to the artist subject. Come on, Mazzarella. How important can it be? You make it sound like you’re doing brain surgery when you talk about songwriting.

MM) Why are you so bitter? It’s just music. If it makes someone happy isn’t that good? Why do you feel the need to place such a weight over it? And who used the word artist, man? You’re the one throwing that around.

ME) Yeah, but you must get a kick out of all of these interviewers talking about the importance of your work…like they’re sitting in front of a modern day Cole Porter or something.

MM) (Laughing) Yeah, it’s a real ha-ha fest for me. Why’d you buy Heineken? I hate Heineken. You even drink like a football player.

ME) You know deep down inside that you eat that shit up when these people are telling you how great your songs are.

MM) Wow. (Pausing) Do you dig what we do…The Rooks?

ME) Yeah, it’s cool. I like your music. I don’t feel like I have to sit here and analyze your lyrics word for word though. Honestly, I don’t care what the meaning behind Colors is. It’s just a good song to me.

MM) Then leave it alone! You’re a headhunter, man. Why have you chosen to track ME down…of all people? Go chase Larry Flynt or the tobacco industry…or Microsoft…Michael Jackson…

ME) I can’t get to them.

MM) So you go after the small dog??? Why rattle the cage of a parakeet? What harm can it do in there? What have I done to stir you up? You’re attacking a guy who…has done nothing wrong…really…I hope. I’m a musician…(pausing) and my only vices are heroin and Mike’s Hard Lemonade…

ME) Yeah, a musician who thinks he knows everything. It’s your whole aggressive manner in your interviews. I get a feeling that you’re an elitist or something, like you think you have all the answers.

MM) Maybe you’re angry that you don’t have ANY answers. I only talk about what I know, what I’ve personally lived through. You should re-read your journalistic notebooks, man. Learn how to choose your battles because I shouldn’t be one of them. It makes me laugh that you actually sat down to read every one of those interviews, all the while seething inside and thinking about what you’re going to do about it. (Laughing) That’s good, man. That’s really funny. You could have been out gay bashing or something…whatever you’re into doing with your free time…porn…

ME) Gonzo journalism, man. That’s what I like. Take no prisoners and see right through the bullshit.

MM) Just listen to the music, that’s what it’s there for. No more and no less. Brother, I hope you have a lot of beer because this is already nowhere.

ME) There’s a case in there, Mazzarella. (Laughing) I knew I’d need something to keep you around. Have a backbone and relax.

MM) I’ll have another beer and wonder who cut your hair.

ME) Ok. Let’s be nice for a half a second. Your whole thing is about songwriting and making music but it’s hard for me to believe that anyone can be into it that much, like some mythic figure or something. Why does it mean that much to you? Do you like playing the role of the modern, sensitive, artistic guy? Women supposedly eat that shit up.

MM) Yeah, sure. (Laughing) Do you think THAT helps me pull girls? You like WWF wrestling, don’t you?

ME) Seriously. It’s like your whole life depends on your songwriting.

MM) In a strange way…it does. Songwriting and The Yankees. It’s where my happiness comes from, man. It’s where I feel safe in a sometimes unsafe place. Why should I be ridiculed for that? Should I allow you, a negligible magazine writer at best to take a swipe at me for something that I work at? Why? What’s the moral of the story? Take away from those who have not?

ME) Oh, are you so deprived? You don’t look like your starving or anything.

MM) I’m not, no. But what do I have to show for my work other than…my work? I work to exist. Don’t we all? I don’t spread hatred or have an underlying agenda in my songs. I don’t stand on a soapbox or try to sway elections. I try to make my work more worthwhile as I get older and grow as a songwriter. Why would you attack a guy for trying?

ME) And on your way you sometimes make it sound like many of your peers are just going through the motions or are in some sort of rut.

MM) So what? Some of them are, to my ears. Why can’t I say that? Aren’t we all in some sort of rut sometimes? There needs to be a little shaking up in the camp once in a while. People get comfortable.

ME) Comfort is nice.

MM) Comfort gets boring…when it’s related to the arts.

ME) Yeah, but who made you the spokesman for the whole pop scene?

MM) I speak for myself…

ME) Yes, but you concern yourself with everyone else.

MM) That’s not true. I don’t concern myself with anybody else really. If asked, I report on the environment that stands before me…as I see it, that’s all. Everyone does what they do and that’s all right by me. On the other hand, certain people think what they are doing is better than everybody else. Where my voice of contention complains is in the work ethic. I just don’t see it in a number of the musicians that I am acquainted with. Too much time is wasted talking about how so and so’s new album sucks and I hate the sound of the drums and…blah, blah, blah. That’s acceptable I suppose…because everyone deserves an opinion as long as we all try to get better in spite of ourselves. It’s always the ones with the biggest critiques whom take the smallest steps to better themselves and learn new things.

ME) Why would you care? Like you said before, "it’s only music." What’s the big deal?

MM) It’s always the ones who cry the loudest about everyone else’s work. The ones whom are so aggressive in their insecurities. The ones who lobby and constantly have to make their pitch to remind everybody of their so-called greatness. Yeah? Well, prove it!!! Show me what you have…make me happy…or just SHUT UP!!! After all, that’s where some of them are shortsighted because in the end I’m really pulling for anyone, everyone to do great work. Music is a great pleasure…a golden egg in my life. I don’t want for there to be a shortage of it. I wish everyone could do great work and as that’s not the way it goes, I can only hope for all of us to try and always get better. No matter what Mark, you can’t attack me on my commitment to do better. Rest is a four-letter word…but wait a minute, so is Mark.

ME) Do you ever think about what would happen if you’d put that much work and energy into your community to make a difference instead of trying to be the ‘king of power pop?’

MM) What, like a street sweeper? What do you want me to do, run for office? I’d like to think that I make some sort of…karmic, emotional…contribution to…someone…to balance out the nihilistic…inclement times we live in.

ME) There you go again placing importance on something you’ve written!

MM) What trailer park are you from, man? I never claimed that my work is IMPORTANT! Living is important, getting on is important. Raising children to understand a moral value-system is important. Holding the door for someone is important. It all adds up to the same thing, Mark.

ME) And that is?

MM) Just to be. To do well. To create something…anything…worthwhile. To contribute, to take and give back. To not waste time, which is what I’m doing now…by the way.

ME) I think you’re enjoying me mixing it up a little with you.

MM) You think so? I’d rather watch paint dry.

ME) Do you think your band’s music really makes a difference in the lives of other people?

MM) You know what? It makes a difference in MY life…for ME! Maybe that’s enough to make it worthy. Maybe the point in life is to fulfill our own personal spiritual pathways. Maybe we’ve misunderstood the guidebook all along.

ME) That sounds so selfish though, don’t you think?

MM) Me? You seem to be the guy with all the answers. What’s your contribution?

ME) I live my life, don’t break the law, put in an honest day’s work, look for the truth…

MM) From whom? Me? About what…MY MUSIC??? What I think about a pop scene? Truth? Read a newspaper man, there’s a lot going on out there.

ME) Do you have a girlfriend?

MM) Why? Do you?

ME) Of course. I found it kind of interesting to read that you don’t have a girl because you feel that your lifestyle prohibits you from having a normal relationship. I thought that that was being a little over dramatic. There are thousands of guys who play in bands who have girlfriends, marriages and relationships but you’ve chosen not to partake for the ‘cause.’

MM) (Smiling) What cause?

ME) The pursuit of perfecting your craft. God forbid anyone gets in the way of that. Oooh, you’re sooo mysterious.

MM) I have to meet this woman who’s in your life. She must be into anthropology.

ME) Why?

MM) The study of early man…(smiling) she must dig you, Mark! Pun intended.

ME) Well, where’s your girl? I can’t believe that you choose to be alone for the sake of your…music.

MM) I’m not alone. That’s a state of mind. Someone’s out there…probably. She hasn’t found me yet maybe…or perhaps she has and chooses to watch from afar. That whole thing is overrated anyway, as far as I’m concerned.

ME) The whole thing of what?

MM) The notion that we always have to be with someone. It’s a theory. People will find each other when they do. I’ve never believed in the married for life plan. I don’t think that we are wired to be with the same person for the whole of our adult existences. The proof is in the numbers of the escalating divorce rate.

ME) Then what are we supposed to do as a society?

MM) How would I know? That institution has been fractured for a long time now and the walls are increasingly crumbling. I’m not saying that it can’t happen because it obviously has done so and continues to work on some level. I really think that there are only so many hours in our lives that we can spend with certain people and once that time is up…it’s up. Largely, people just don’t stay together forever anymore. Me not having a girlfriend is really nothing to do with the fact that I play in a band. I live a strange and very unconventional lifestyle. A lifestyle that’s not suited for a customary dynamic that happens between most people in a relationship. It’s not about me not wanting to have a distraction in my life for fear of having it get in the way of my songwriting. That’s a silly notion on your part and it doesn’t surprise me now that I’ve known you for an hour.

ME) It doesn’t mean you can’t try. It’s like they say in the Lottery commercials "you can’t win if you don’t play."

MM) And who are you to say that I haven’t…or won’t again?

ME) You came from a broken home.

MM) So?

ME) So maybe that put a sort of… a long term relationship fear into you and now you use your musician, lifestyle thing as an excuse and a source for good copy. It reads well and maybe adds fuel to the "Mazzarella myth" when in truth you’re just plain scared.

MM) What myth??? Go out onto the street right now and ask anyone if they’ve ever heard of me? Myth for whom, a thousand people who own Rooks CDs? Do you think they care about anything like that? They dig music. I think you’ve just insulted and underestimated a lot of people. They have lives, Mark. No one is interested in a "Mazzarella myth"…except perhaps for you. I’m getting creeped out, man. I think I’ll go sit by the door now…just in case…

ME) (Laughing) You don’t have to do that. I’ll get a couple of more beers. Listen, I guess my whole thing is in reaction to some of your answers in earlier interviews. You’re a guy who writes some songs, plays in a band and all that but the impression that I have of you from those interviews is that you’re the classic ‘starving artist’ who lives in a tiny pad, has no girlfriend and sits around all day trying to write these perfect pop songs…and part of me doesn’t want to buy it. There’s something inside of me that thinks it’s a load of crap.

MM) Even if it were, shouldn’t you just be happy listening to the music? Why are you so concerned with everything else?

ME) Are you admitting that it’s a load of shit? Spin city, maybe?

MM) Whose career is going to advance from spin city? In case you don’t know it Mark, they’re not writing about me in People Magazine. No. I don’t have a lot of money. I do live in a small place and I do work on songwriting and listen to music with most of my time. If that makes me sound like a loser, then I’ve lost.

ME) I understand that you’re starting a new album and your sound will be different this time out. Is this a calculated move on your part to get The Rooks away from the power pop scene?

MM) The first album was a calculated move. I had stacks of songs to choose from and came up with a batch that I thought would fit well together. Every time this band walks into a recording studio it’s a calculated move. What’s your point?

ME) I’m hearing that your next effort will be a lot of piano songs with no overt pop stuff like you’ve done in the past.

MM) You mean pop stuff like India, Wish You Well and Trip? Were those ‘overt pop’ songs? By "pop" do you mean songs with a beat? I’m not quite understanding what you’re going for?

ME) It seems that if you’re choosing to go the route of recording an album with mostly piano songs on it then it’s proving that you’re making a concerted effort to change your sound. Is this because you want to divorce yourself from the power pop bands out there?

MM) We’ve always tried to have our music take a half a step ahead of where it was before. If you listen to the chronology of the band’s music you will clearly hear it. So in that manner, as I’ve just said, there’s always been some sort of calculated maneuvering on our part. With this new album Something Blue, our original plan had to change and be placed on the back burner simply out of necessity. It’s partially a business move.

ME) Why?

MM) We had been rehearsing for months a collection of out and out band songs for an album entitled Evangelia. When money finally came to us from our label it was more a matter of doing simple math. We had a mountain of trouble with trying to complete A Wishing Well toward the end it mainly because of finances. I really don’t want that to ever happen again. We are not sitting on a goldmine here and I thought that if we can record an album that doesn’t involve a rock band on everything and can create something with a more simple sound, then maybe we can get this out within our budget limitations and worry about the next album when it comes up. As it turns out, the songs on Something Blue just happen to be all of my most recent compositions, so there is sort of a real honesty about it as it directly reflects where I am in my songwriting at this very time.

ME) So we’ll get a good look into where the ‘king of power pop’ stands right up to the very minute! What’s to say that you won’t have the same budgetary troubles again when it’s time to do an album after this new one?

MM) Well, anything can happen. If we choose to sell Something Blue from our website instead of being affiliated with a label, then all the money from sales comes directly to us instead of only a percentage. If we choose to shop it, perhaps we can get a decent advance. I don’t know. You have all the answers. What should we do?

ME) Who’s your bass player?

MM) We don’t have one yet.

ME) Didn’t Lauren leave a long time ago?

MM) Yes.

ME) Well, what’s going on?

MM) We elected to take the summer off. Kristin and myself were busy drawing covers for some bonus CD that was offered to fans recently and that took up a lot of time. She also had commitments with the Grip Weeds. I was in the middle of two producing projects, one of which I just finished up with earlier this week. Ken was spending the summer producing his wife Rebecca Hall’s album. There wasn’t a shortage of work. Now we’re together again and we’re still not sure what’s going to happen with a bassist as a full-time band member. We only had our first official band rehearsal last week and it’s the first time we’ve played together in months.

ME) How was it?

MM) Very well, thank you. The more you drink, the kinder you seem…maybe. Maybe I’m just getting tanked.

ME) It’s early yet. How many have you had, about eight? We’re gonna finish those babies!

MM) Just what I want, another drinking buddy. Where’s Frank Bango when I need him?

ME) I read that you have a big record and CD collection and claim to like every different style imaginable. Is that true or do you just say that to look cool?

MM) Yeah, I dig Appalachian field holler folk songs, Mark…neat-o…look at me everybody.

ME) There’s a lot of shit out there that I hate…old and new. Don’t tell me that you really like a lot of the kid stuff out there now.

MM) Hey, to my grandparents The Beatles were kid stuff at first. You sound really old…like my grandparents. Actually, I shouldn’t say that. My grandfather just died two weeks ago. I take it back…you’re not…never mind.

ME) Sorry to hear that.

MM) (Looking down) Yeah…(pausing)…he’s up there somewhere with DiMaggio I guess. Maybe they can sort out The Yankees’ bullpen for next year.

ME) Out of the new groups and/or singers out there, who are you listening to?

MM) The new Christina Aguilara album has some good tracks on it. She’s going in new directions…that’s a good thing. Macy Gray is great…beautiful. Eminem makes fierce music, I dig it…Radiohead…

ME) Yeah, sure. You’re into Britney too, right?

MM) Well, Britney can’t sing. Listen, I’m not all that interested in performers whom don’t write their own songs…or that don’t play their own instruments at least.

ME) Elvis didn’t write songs…Sinatra either.

MM) (Giving me a long stare) Thanks for the music lesson. Get me another beer.

ME) I think most people would take you for just a Beatle or a ‘60s guy and not much more. I bet if we took a cab to your place right now I’d never find an Eminem CD anywhere.

MM) Why don’t we do the manly thing and footrace? Then we can stop and have a few shots and pick up chicks…

ME) Sounds cool to me. Won’t you have to get home and write a song or something?

Mazzarella shakes his head and goes to the fridge for another beer and doesn’t ask me if I want one. How rude.

ME) When will you realize that you’ll probably never earn a real, high paying wage from being a songwriter? That it may be what you think you’re all about and everything, but one day you’re going to turn around and you’ll be a sixty year old man with no children, living in that same tiny apartment uptown, all alone.

MM) I worry about today, man….today has to happen before tomorrow comes, which means I’m always 24 hours ahead of the game. Am I going too fast for you? You can rewind your tape and do the math later. That’s another thing. I wonder if you’re going to pick up on how angry and antagonistic you sound when you go back to transcribe all of this…when you’re…sober.

ME) It’s real man, it’s real.

MM) What’s real…man?

ME) You’re just not used to having someone go nose to nose with you. You’re used to everyone asking you about minor chords and shit…and you don’t even read music!

MM) You got me there, man. You win…I guess. (In mock glee) Yippee, Mark retains his title.

ME) You can take it, I’m only kidding around. Seriously though, what are you going to do with your life if this music thing doesn’t work out?

MM) It’s worked out. The "Mazzarella myth"…remember? (Long silence) How old are you?

ME) I’m 34. Jealous?

MM) To be truthful, I’m almost having a pretty good time because this whole thing is kind of amusing to me and I can’t believe that someone like you…roams around freely.

ME) What’s that have to do with how old I am?

MM) Just curious, man.

ME) How do you rate The Rooks as a live band?

MM) We’re great if we rehearse once in a while. Less than great if we don’t.

ME) I saw you at Luna Lounge back in the day. It was free to get in.

MM) And?

ME) You were good. I tried to talk to you but you had too many groupies around. Didn’t want to cramp your rock star groove. Stood back and had a beer.

MM) (Laughing)

ME) Why don’t you tour more often?

MM) And play to whom?

ME) Your people, your masses.

MM) I never thought of that…good idea.

ME) Do you think Reasons is really a ‘power pop classic of the ‘90s"?

MM) I prefer Glitter Best but it wasn’t my compilation.

ME) I think Love Said To Me and Colors are better songs. They’re tougher.

MM) Drinking songs…(raising his fist)…yeah…we’re tough guys.

ME) Are you hating this interview?

MM) It doesn’t matter to me one way or another but what are you planning to do with it? It will be unreadable. It’s not an interview; it’s…a drunken…lynching.

ME) You’re doing ok. Don’t you think it will look good on your website to offset all of the ones that kiss your ass? You make it sound like every time you have to do an interview that it’s painful for you. I thought that maybe if you were faced with something a little more…adventurous you’d get more into it…be less ill at ease.

MM) In a strange way I am, I have to say. In some dysfunctional, self-destructive, illogical way, I feel more at rest with this…abortion…than I do in a...proper interview.

ME) Dig it! See, I knew you’d get into it! I want to prove to all your fans that you’re not some stuffy old artistic fart. You can take it, man. It’s all good. I’ll admit it right here and now. I like your music and I think you write great songs. I just want you to keep it real, that’s all.

MM) You couldn’t do what I do if I did it for you…keep it real. You like our music, great. But what license do you have to get me down here just to prove to yourself that you can square off with me? I now, almost understand your premise and I find it slightly entertaining but…

ME) I spoke with my editor and he thought it was a good angle. The tortured power pop guy, the ‘king of power pop’ who hates being interviewed. ‘Let’s try something different I said to him.’ I think it’s going pretty well.

MM) The beer sucks and it’s 200 degrees in here. Let’s party!

ME) What’s up with you and Not Lame?

MM) I don’t know. Some days they’re falling apart and some days they’re giving out money funding other band’s tours. I think we’ve fallen from grace because we’re too expensive to keep around and we don’t jangle enough anymore. I’m getting more drunk and maybe I shouldn’t say anything out of school. If you want their opinions, ask them. You better e-mail them though. They don’t answer phones anymore.

ME) How are you too expensive to keep around?

MM) We haven’t learned how to record an album in the back of someone’s garage for $2,000. That’s the way everyone does it now, I guess…low budget. But that’s our problem because I still care about how our music sounds in the end. We’re not in the business to release demos. We like clear and colorful recordings.

ME) That sounds like you’re pretty much done with them in a roundabout way.

MM) Up and down, in and out, yes and no.

ME) How cryptic, Mazzarella. Who does your website?

MM) Rich…my pal Richard…king of electromagnetic images, catch phrases and nanobytes. The web winder…or something. He has some name he goes by. Why?

ME) Just wondering. I was on it today and it’s a pretty great site. I was gonna leave you a nice message but I thought we should meet first. I read all of the interviews last week in preparation for our little gathering. Your whole life is on that fuckin’ thing. Is that freaky?

MM) (Smiling) You know me. I wouldn’t settle for anything smaller. I’ve got to keep my rock-God groove thing happening.

ME) Who’s your favorite current songwriter? Beside yourself, of course.

MM) Dave Rave.

ME) The Teenage Head guy?

MM) The Dave Rave guy.

ME) Why?

MM) He’s writing better songs than anyone I know... beside myself, of course (rolling his eyes). He takes chances. He understands chord structures and voicings and plants melodies that compliment them. He never writes the same song twice, or if he does he keeps them to himself. He studies and doesn’t confine himself to one genre. I dig him.

ME) What an endorsement from the ‘king of power pop.’ What do you want for Christmas?

MM) A pumpkin in a pear tree. I just realized something about you, man. You have this rap going like you’re trying to be some miniature Bill O’Reilly or somebody…and you’re just a little flea. You’d like to think that you’re some sort of…psychological terrorist but all you do is buzz around my ear. You’re an amusing little piece of dust with wings. I like that. Maybe I’ll use that in a song.

ME) Sticks and stones, brother. Were you bummed about the Yanks?

MM) Of course, man. Small talk now? You’re running out of questions, aren’t you?

ME) Yeah. But you gotta be impressed that I didn’t have anything written down to start with.

MM) I’d be impressed if you could write.

ME) How long do you think The Rooks will be around?

MM) Probably until I die. (Spoken in a wiseass tone) I’m almost sixty, remember?

ME) Do you ever think about breaking up the band and starting with a new group of people?

MM) What would be the point of that? We still like each other…you…

ME) You’re getting cranky Mazzarella. It’s after midnight. Don’t you turn into a piano bench or something?

MM) (Shaking his head and smiling) You are a…I’m happy that I did this tonight. It’s one of the funniest nights I’ve had in a long time. I’m waiting for a camera crew to come out of the closet and tell me I’m on Candid Camera or something because you cannot be real. You can’t be.

ME) Did you ever think about getting a girl drummer? Then it could have been you backed by chicks. That would’ve been pretty cool…cutting edge.

MM) I thought about it a long time ago but there were none available. They were too busy being groupies…I guess.

ME) Hey man, maybe you’ll write a song about me! Are you getting inspired? I know you can only write about real situations and shit. What an honor that will be…a song for me by the ‘king of power pop.’ Use some minor chords and shit.

MM) It’ll be better if I leave out the minor chords… (to himself)…that just went right over his head. Look, I have to go.

ME) You sure?

MM) Yeah yeah, I’m positive. I’ve been here for two weeks…it seems like.

ME) Cool. I’ll send you the article as soon as it’s done. Do you need to see it for approval before it gets printed?

MM) Ahh…….no. I’d thank you for the beer but it sucked. I’d thank you for the interview but it was a pissing contest. Other than that…(smiling) don’t forget to lift that seat…

‘What a weird thing to say’ I thought as I listened to Mazzarella escaping down the three flights of stairs to get out onto the street. About ten minutes later I went into my bathroom and noticed that the toilet seat was down and that Mazzarella had willfully pissed all over it and on my throw rug. Sitting on the sink was a square of toilet paper onto which he had scribbled "Leaky, I hope you like the song I left for you." It was signed: The king of power pop.

I’ll admit it. I DID sound like a bit of an asshole when listening back to the tapes the next day but that was part of my plan. Knowing that Mazzarella feels uncomfortable in situations where people are always praising him, I wanted to see how he would react if he were interviewed by someone who didn’t believe in all the high-brow ass kissing. Would he get up and walk out because he, too, believed in his own press or would he take it like a man and have a sense of humor about it? He passed the test. He took my shit, threw some back at me and drank ALL of my beer. I like Heineken. I like Mazzarella and his band. He pissed on my floor. I never would have thought that the ‘king of power pop’ had it in him. That reminds me. I should probably go clean that up.